Feasts, festivals, flash mobs, and more events this week

Photo credit: Boston Swing Central

In a couple days you’re going to wake up and check your phone and it’ll say “Saturday, August 1” and you’ll freak out and resolve to stop wasting your summer. Then you’ll go back to sleep for a while because it’s too hot to go anywhere without AC, or at least a powerful fan pointed directly at your undercarriage. But eventually you’ll get out of bed and pull up this post and start kicking summer’s ass.

* Ever accidentally walk through the Haymarket? Fucking horrifying. It’s like the Simpsons episode where Lisa gets lost in the Russian district: Just tons of scary old ladies shoving moldy fruit in your face screaming “YOU BUY IT! YOU BUY IT!” The neighborhood (they’re calling it the “Market District” now ugh ugh ugh puke) gets a new spot for local food vendors with this weekend’s grand opening of the year-round, five-days-a-week Boston Public Market. Pick up some ripe summer tomatoes and just chomp right into ’em, letting the juices drip where they may (down your heaving torso as you stand naked in the bathtub). In the fall, look for someone buying Red Delicious apples and say “Red Delicious, huh? What’s your horse’s name?” Markets are fun. 7.30 to 8.2. 8a. FREE

* St. Anthony’s Feast at the end of August gets all the shine, but don’t sleep on the North End’s other summer street festivals. Besides all the processions, games, and of course food, this weekend’s St. Agrippina di Mineo Feast is one of my favorites because of its tradition of booking a Saturday night headlining act that you forgot existed for at least the past decade. This year? All-4-One!!! If you didn’t sway back and forth to “I Swear” while gingerly holding a girl’s waist with your increasingly sweaty palms at your sixth grade dance then… well you’re probably just older or younger than me so you weren’t in sixth grade in 1994 when that song came out. 7.30 to 8.2. Various times. FREE

* What would you do if you randomly came into possession of 100 beach balls? You could pop them one by one in a profoundly sad performance art piece that symbolizes the slow death of fun as we grow into adulthood. Or you could do what DJ/Crossfit coach/professional cat herder Mickey Grouse did and throw a Beach Ball Flash Mob on the Common! RSVP (it’s free) and show upSaturday to grab a ball and go crazy with them for about ten minutes, then hit the after-party at jm Curley. Make sure to wear white, red, green and blue so you look like a bunch of beach balls playing with beach balls. Kids under 12 are allowed with parental supervision, but one of the event rules is “Obviously, don’t steal beach balls from kids.” Sure, says the guy who stole 100 beach balls from kids last weekend so he could organize a flash mob. 8.1. 3p. FREE

* Just a reminder that nowhere in the limitless quantum multiverse does there exist a reality in which Tom Brady has ever told a lie, done anything wrong, or worn an outfit that wasn’t absolutely on point.

* The fourth annual Boston Seafood Festival returns to the Seaport with tons of fresh-from-the-water fare, an all-day lobster bake, oyster shucking showdowns, chef demos and lots more. Remember when “I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it!” was a go-to joke for every hacky ‘80s/‘90s sitcom writer? Must’ve been nice to recycle material and no one would notice because nothing was on the Internet. Like now it’s possible for you guys to check and see if I made the same joke about last year’s seafood festival and yeah, I definitely did, sorry. Can we still end this paragraph on a freeze-frame group high five? 8.2. 11a. $15

* Dropping some historical knowledge on you: The ‘20s of every century always rule, and researchers believe this is because people are ready to party after two decades of not being totally comfortable with what shorthand to use for the decade they were in. (The aughts? The teens? Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.) Sunday’s Roaring Twenties Lawn Party at the Crane Estate on Ipswich’s Castle Hill invites revelers to don their best Gatbsy-esque apparel for a retro picnic with swing dance lessons, live music from the Baby Soda Jazz Band, lawn games and a vintage faire. Everything really was better 90 years ago, as long as you looked good in hats and also you were white and rich. 8.2. 3p. $20-25

* After successful Broadway runs with Pippin and Finding Neverland, American Repertory Theater artistic director Diane Paulus has more Tonys than a high-rise apartment building located in a predominantly Italian-American neighborhood. (Nailed. It.) Paulus directs ART’s world premiere production of Waitress, a musical adaptation of the 2007 Adrienne Shelly film about an expert pie maker stuck in a small town and loveless — hey did someone say pie? Are those real pies or stage pies? What’s in a stage pie? Break me off a slice, waitress. Sara Bareilles wrote the music for the show, which opens Sunday at the Loeb Drama Center — the first four shows are sold out, but it runs through September 27. 8.2 to 9.27. Various times. $25 and up

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